We Must Get Comfortable with Discomfort

Also, many blessings to those of you who struggle with father’s day. I give you permission to completely ignore it or fully embrace the grief brought up by it. May these words be a balm for you.

I want to say welcome to those of you who are new here. I usually send my musings out on the new and full moons with all things grief related and how to be with it in a better way.

I don’t have new words for this blog as I’m still in the midst of writing my book.  Hopefully it will be launched later this summer. I just landed on the title and so I will share that with you-

Life Upside Down: The Fall that Lifted Us Through the Transformation of Grief, Love and Quadriplegia. 

What do you think?

It’s a memoir about how my life went upside down after losing my partner to quadriplegia and what I did to come right side up again. As one friend said who has read it, it’s like being a guide book for grief without being one.

Life upside down is how any loss or life transition feels, especially the ones that are so sudden.

If you are in the midst of sudden loss, keep reading…I have taken a blog I wrote during the pandemic for you to reread again. Enjoy and may these words help you along the way.

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I’m curious about you and wondering how you’re doing these days?
If you have time, write me back. I love hearing from you. It helps me feel less isolated and alone as I’m not going out and about and running into you in my world. I miss that. I cannot do this alone, knowing how you’re doing helps inform my practice, my musings, my blogs; essentially my offerings.

Sitting down to write this today, I’d love to know what kind of support you need right now as we’re all grieving something.

And lately I just keep thinking about many hard things-the suffering in the world, politics, racism, white privilege, economic privilege. And grief is the part that connects them all.

I’m currently immersed in a class taught by The Black Doula, Sabia Wade, called “A Lifetime is Quarantine: Trauma Skills and Nervous System Understanding for BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color). I’m being challenged to uncover the layers of my own white privilege and internal hidden racist tendencies. I’m grateful for this inside learning AND I’m so uncomfortable at times. It’s important work and I’m glad to be doing it. If you want to know more, I’m happy to share, ask me.
This brings me back to my main musing lately which is this…how did we get so attached to being so comfortable? How did we get to a place where convenience, ease and positivity became the ever pervasive norm in western culture?

I think of recent high school graduates who have grown up most likely with the message-you can do anything and be anything. Dream it and it will happen.

Nope.

Actually they/we are learning a different way of being.  And actually it isn’t new, it’s realistic.

Life sometimes sucks. We don’t get what we want. Life is hard. Sometimes we’re disappointed, sad and uncomfortable.

Last October I had the honor and privilege to attend a 5 day grief ritual with African elder Malidoma Patrice Somé. He said something that really struck me, “Grief is being with the discomfort of life.”

I will say that again…

…
Grief is being in the discomfort of life. 

So, here we are…in a very uncomfortable place. At least I’m here and many others I know. Some aren’t and that’s a whole other blog topic that I won’t touch.

So what do we do with this discomfort?

Part of me wants to give you some sweet remedy to make you feel better. And are you wanting to hear the magic words that’ll diminish your grief and discomfort?

I’m sorry. I can’t fix your grief. 

I’ve been in these shoes before. In fact, I have an entire outfit that I’m comfortable wearing. But, at first, according to one of my clients, grief feels like the only thing you’re wearing is a scratchy heavy wool sweater or body suit that you can’t take off.

So you must either learn to feel the discomfort or go stark naked. Both options aren’t comfortable. (Well, maybe not for some regarding going naked…).

And you can’t simply get rid of it either. You have to learn to wear it or carry it; essentially befriend it. It’s a part of you forever.
So, we must make friends with discomfort and befriend our disappointment. 

We must start teaching the children, that sometimes we don’t get everything we want, and yes good things are possible, but we need a new way of creating that possible.
For one thing, we need each other more than ever. We cannot do this alone.
The tradition that taught me that is from the Dagara Grief Ritual which I’d say is the one thing that helped me the most with my grief.

I had the honor of doing Dagara grief rituals and immersed myself for two years as an assistant for my friend Wendy Kaas. (She received a blessing from the elders of Burkina Faso to lead these West African grief rituals here in the USA).

I learned this:

We cannot do this alone.

Grief is a force that needs to be released and cleaned out; we must tend to our grief on a regular basis.

Grief is as normal as sleeping and eating.

Grief is simply part of being a human being. Grief is part of life.