Finding JOY

How to Find Joy in the Middle of the Rubble

How to Find Joy in the Middle of the Rubble

Happy December 2020!

Here we are at the end of this long year and at what’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Isn’t that what that song says? I usually make up different lyrics to that one, like…it’s the most horrible time if you’re in grief.

I wish there was simply more room for both-the wonder and the struggle because so many struggle with the shame of not feeling the wonder, right?


I need a new song that holds both.

And with that in mind I have something I want to offer you, the ones on my list. I have packaged up my most favorite module from my DIY Online Grief Relief Program. It’s the one that focuses on grief and joy. 

Here’s the the intro video: 

And here’s the link with more info about it such as being a joy detective: https://betherlander.com/my-tiny-offer-finding-joy-in-the-middle-of-the-rubble/?preview_id=702&preview_nonce=228ed98534&preview=true

Use this coupon code MOREJOY for $10 off. So you’ll get it for only $17. It could be a great gift for yourself or someone you know who’s deep in grief right now. Coupon is good until December 24th.

And if you want to have the entire program, reach out to me, I may be able to offer you a deal for that too. There are two options, two price points-the higher priced package includes two 1:1 grief coaching sessions with me. 

So it’s a Saturday and I’ve told myself it’s a working weekend since I have many things I’m creating right now. And I want to share that I’m doing a better job of allowing myself to do less with my 40% capacity mentality. How about you?

I’ve been really working with the characteristics of white supremacy (learn more about that here: https://www.showingupforracialjustice.org/white-supremacy-culture-characteristics.html.  

The one that gets me the most is perfectionism. I have such high expectations of myself and others and it gets me into trouble. It mainly depletes me. 

So I’m unlearning perfectionism and I share here to inspire you to do the same. 

So, I started the weekend with an attitude of tackling the to-do list, but then I also started adding things like: 

  • Go for a walk
  • Hug my tree
  • Have some quality time with Michael
  • Eat good food
  • Watch a movie
  • Take a nap
  • And walk to my spiral circle and fix it


I had a feeling it had been messed with and it had. Instead of being angry I simply said a prayer of thanks to the one who keeps tearing it down, because it fuels my fire to continue to rebuild and it reminds me so much of what it’s like to live with acute grief.

When big grief happens, it’s as if your entire world is shattered. Then you must sit or stand amidst the rubble, and at some point you find the courage to rebuild and begin to make sense of what happened. 


So this dialogue that I’m having with this stranger I’ve never met, is actually a very key relationship to me right now. It inspires me to simply keep rebuilding.

Joy helps me do that. But how do we find that in deep grief? Hmmm…I’m back to selling you my joy and grief tiny offer. 

So here’s a few other things I wanted to share with you that I’m excited about:

I’m being featured as a guest for my friend Susan Coates’s Intimacy Salon with another guest and dear friend Victor Warring. The theme is Grief & Pleasure in the Pandemic. It’s a free event via Zoom. It may be full by now, but if you’d like to check it out here’s the link.  It’s on Thursday,  December 10th, 2020, 7-9pm (MST). https://www.facebook.com/SusanCoatesCoaching/photos/a.3632768263442325/3868306079888541/

I’m excited to announce that I’ll soon be changing my business name to BethErlander.com

I’ve been contemplating this for a while now as I’ve received a lot of feedback that I need to soften my name and make the “doorway” to my work more inviting.

It wasn’t until I had a Cowry Shell Dow Divination reading from Elder Malidoma Somé that I finally decided it’s time. I really got it because the message was clear and came from my ancestors. You’ll learn more about this from me at some point as I’m learning how to use the Cowry Shell Divination as another tool for you.

I’m planning some kind of transition ritual for myself to honor the part of me that truly is the grief freak. And I’ll always be her. And she’ll always be a part of the work I do. She just won’t be at the front door. 

I think she frightens some people away. Grief is already freaky enough. 

Someone suggested I call myself the grief grandma. But that’s not quite right…

I just wanted you all to know. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this change if you’d care to share. 

I’m rooting down while spiraling up: I continue to grow both as a griever and business owner. I want more people to find my services and the word “freak” may turn them away.

I also learned from a transgendered person that the word “freak” is hard for them as they’d been called that numerous times. I got that “freak” is a hard word for some.

My job is to help you grieve, not change the way we view the word “freak.” 


And speaking of  spiraling up…I’ll be doing another grief support group for health and wellness practitioners called “Tending the Tenders.” It will start January 27th, 2021 and will go for 5 weeks. If you know anyone who needs more support in how to support their clients with grief and need support themselves, send them my way.

Thanks everyone. 

Continue to take time to  s l o w    d o  w  n .

Light more candles as we enter into the darkest time of the year. Practice kindness towards yourself and others. 

I do hope you are safe, you have food in your belly and you have some sense of ease in your hearts and minds.

There is so much grief. 

Find a way to honor it, name it, share it with those of yours closest to you. And if you don’t have anyone right now, share it with me.

I’d be honored.

Many many blessings to you!

Beth-forever the Grief Freak